There are times in life when being single and alone can be especially tough. We might find ourselves wondering what is wrong with us, why’s that not me!
If we’ve been looking for our special someone for a long time we might gradually have become less discerning. When we finally find somebody nice we may miss or choose to ignore signs that our new him or her isn’t right for us. What may be obvious to closest family and friends is that you are too good for him.
Problems can start to surface when;
– We meet somebody who’s in need of exactly what we’re desperate to give. We might have a bottomless well of love, support, understanding, encouragement that has been undirected for quite a long time and now there’s someone to look after, nurture and support. Check though. It can seductive to be looked at adoringly, in’that way’, by somebody who’s seemingly helpless and needing to be rescued.
If you’re beginning to feel uncomfortable or are spotting tell-tale signs that this pattern of behavior works well for him you should call it out, push the pause button on the connection, ask them to act in a more independent way or indicate they seek therapy. It is when the situation gets permanently one-way and we are beginning to feel used and unappreciated we may start to question if we’re too great for him.
– It might be time to check our own behavior too. Are we coaching our new partner as if we know what is best for them? Are we treating them as a mini-project, where we predict that our guidance, encouragement and goal-setting can help them develop their potential and achieve incredible results. If that’s the case, a better question may be do they share those goals and aspirations?
– People bring different qualities and characteristics to a relationship. Family and friends may wonder what’s going on, may be worried that their friend is being taken for a ride, is too good for their new spouse. They may be suspicious regarding the motives behind the relationship. But each individual brings their own attributes and contributions to a connection which are sometimes impossible to quantify. It is important to keep an appreciation of the subtleties that exist behind closed doors.
– We have all met people who are drains, whilst others are radiators. Some people today seem programmed to always be the ones who take. They are possibly badly damaged, suspicious of others, without the capability to reciprocate. If we do not set boundaries in place and state once we’ve given enough, we want a small caring in return, we might wind up feeling resentful as their sense of entitlement grows. When we allow the situation to continue that is our responsibility. Being good does not require becoming a doormat.
– Sometimes the very things that bring us at the beginning become the things that ultimately turn us off. The easy-going charmer may have appeared lovable, relaxed and fun at the onset of our relationship. But over time we may despair at his lack of motivation, his apparent laziness and lack of personal work or interest.
– We may tire at always being the one who makes plans, makes the money, wants to get on in life, makes the attempt to do new things. Discuss how you are feeling and keep honest channels of communication open from where to negotiate improvements. But is it really him that is changed or have you simply outgrown the first unspoken foundation upon which your relationship was built? Is it time to respectfully move on?
If we are compliant, at times unsure as to what to say, fear any hint of confrontation or argument, are anxious or lacking in confidence about how to change things we may find ourselves accepting bad behavior. But being good enough means reminding others of your value, your worth and that you deserve to be treated nicely. On a practical level you can remind them of what you have done and teach them to appreciate you; even the weekly actions, organising a social event, being the regular driver, are worthy of appreciation.
– Request for compromise. ‘I will do this to you but want you to return the favour and do this for me.’ Small steps at first can effect great changes and present a more evenly balanced relationship with time. Be responsible for your boundaries and say when you feel that you’ve done enough.
When you change the dynamics of your relationship and insist on a more adult, balanced energy everybody starts to behave in a more adult fashion. Celebrate your uniqueness and recognise that we’re all good in our own way.